Antagonizing Voldy
by candelight
Summary: Torment: to afflict with great bodily or mental suffering; pain. Let us all leave a touch or so of this said torment upon our dearest Voldy!


To Harass a Dark Lord

Torment: to afflict with great bodily or mental suffering; pain. Let us all leave a touch or so of this said torment upon our dearest Voldy!

Hey, everybody. Immensely enjoyed writing my first HP tale-To Annoy A Dark Lord. Wish me luck with this tale!

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Tell him that, because JK Rowling created him, he is muggle-born.

Reveal that the Dark Mark insignias on his followers' arms are peel-off, temporary tattoos.

Wear a Potter Puppet T-Shirt whenever he's in the vacinity.

Tell him that one day, he'll be a terrifying villain.

Note that, unlike Harry, he does not have an incredibly cool scar. Seriously though-lightning? Who can beat that?

Tell him that he looks remarkably like some shapeless celebrity who had far too many face-lifts.

Remark that now, due to his hideously grotesque appearance, that face-lifts will no longer aid him. Perhaps a forklift will assist him.

Recover pictures of past Hogwarts' Proms. Paste the picture on the internet in which he was made the Royal Court Jester.

Tell him that his carefully composed dark spells sound as random as, "."

Shift the Death Eater's usual uniform (i.e, scary mask and robe that raided from the grim reaper's wardrobe) to resemble that of a Munchkin from the 'Wizard of Oz.'

Sent Voldemort to Oz, after proclaiming that the Wizard is much more powerful then he could ever hope to match.

Instead of directing him down the Yellow Brick Road, tell him to walk the pavement with red stones-where, most interestingly enough, the Wicked Witch of the West resides.

Set him up on a date with said Witch.

Post his picture up on a dating service, and do a voiceover of his original words to make him sound like a desperate, desperate man who'll take anybody.

Remind him that no one seemed interested in said tape.

Put Car Fresheners about him to get rid of that garlicky smell.

Note that you have met Telemarketeers more vicious and devious then he.

Introduce him to Chuck Norris. Need I say more?

Have Nagini replaced with an overly excited toy poodle nicknamed "The Tinkler," "The Stain-Master 2000," and "The Wiz."

Ship him to Clown College.

Take his picture when he's sitting upon Santa's Lap at the Mall

Right when the Death Eaters are engaged in a meeting, stand up on a chair, and accuse Lord Voldy of not bringing any snacks

Whine about said fact for a quarter of an hour

Sing, "Oh, put a watermelon upon my grave" for a good two hours

Teach song to Death Eaters

Also give them lessons upon Square dancing, and tap

Insist that Bellatrix do something about that hair of hers

Rub Voldemort's head repeatably for good look

Buy him a toupee for the holidays

Set him up with an eight week course of Anger Management with Chuck Norris

Sing the Batman theme incessantly whenever he goes about on the slaughter

Make up a ludicrously irritating song for the Death Eaters to sing

Slip in a side note that the most feared Dark wizard and "Conqueror of the Wizarding World" has failed consecutively nine times to kill one dratted kid

Look up old Orphanage records in the archive-uncover that Tom Riddle wet his bed in the dead of night on numerous occasions

Place a "Barney the Dinosaur" in the toilet, the shower, and his wardrobe. Put a Permanent Sticking Charm on said Barneys, so that their eyes can trace Voldy about the room wherever he goes.

Tell him, "What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know you're mental."

Place Sir Cadogan as his personal watch dog

Have Nagini shipped off to a Children's Birthday Party as a balloon to be reshaped by a clown into a giraffe

Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everythinghe touches with Lysol.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy," such as when you say, "That bird just splattered you upside the head....in accordance to the prophecy."

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of Voldy's roadmaps.

Give Wormtail a nose job

Demand that the Death Eaters address him as "Conquistador."

Before Voldemort shows up as the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

Ask Voldemort what gender he/she is. It just gets too confusing after awhile.

Voldemort instructs you to mow his lawn. Do it with toe-nail clippers.

While at a restaurant, ask the waitress for an extra seat for Voldemort's "imaginary friend."

While at said restaurant, demand a child's high chair, and make Voldemort lift you into it while everyone stares

"Accidentally" knock your apple cider down the front of his pants

Stare at static on the TV and tell Voldemort to be quiet, else he'll miss the good part.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" on Voldemort's front lawn.

Ask why his name should never be spoken.

Write a poem using Voldemort's name over five-hundred and thirty six times

Tell him to not take life so seriously-it's not like he's going to make it out alive, anyhoo.

Sell his locket horcrux to a pawnshop in exchange for a piece of already been chewed gum

Take the cup horcrux-and use it as a trophy for this year's Nascar Championship

At a Death Eater meeting, keep smiling and nodding-while whispering to your neighbors on how you taught him everything he knows.

Compare his mentality and lust to fame to Gilderoy Lockhart

Tell him to watch Scooby-Doo for a change-and learn from those monsters' mistakes. Because they're always defeated by a few bratty children, and their pyschotic mutt.

Lull him to sleep while you two are on a picnic in a Dog Park...with his head located near a Fire Hydrant...

Note that Dumbledore and Harry both wear glasses-and continuously defeat him. Suggest that he actually get a cool pair of shades or something.

On a mission, whenever he's ready to rant, urgently go to him and mutter, "My Lord-your blood pressure!"

Announce that as he's the "Conqueror of the Wizarding World", he deserves a castle of his own. Fail to mention that said castle is located in The Neighborhood of Make Believe under the rule of King Friday.

Also mention that-yes, while the place is a castle, it's right next to the trolley. What is this-Mexico?

While engaged in a serious meeting with his followers, rush in bearing a paper bag, exclaiming "Voldy, darling-you forgot your lunch!"

Run in again after three minutes, proclaiming with glee that you have at last procured him clean underwear.

Note that people put a VoldemortxLily Fanfiction site.

Note that people have, weirdly enough, made quite a few HarryxVoldemort stories. That ought to keep him awake at night.

Ask him what he wants you to get him for his birthday. Whatever the answer may be, scratch your head and blankly say, "Really? Shucks. I wanted to get you locked up."

If he asks you if his outfit makes him look fat, poke him repeatably in the stomach and loudly ask the three people inside the tent to come out and seriously talk about it.

If he hasn't killed you for that last remark, and asks you how he smells, don't say anything. Just buy him a pair of air fresheners, and tell him that they're earrings.

Note that he does NOT have a cult following.

Notice that from the very beginning, everyone knew Voldy was going to end up the loser.

Who was beaten by a seventeen year old boy.

In the Death Eater meeting room, place cheerful, dull, and monotous elevator music in the background.

Tell him to go on a multitude of missions-so he'll be somewhere else when the girls don't call.

Comment that his brunch looks rather like mayonaise and cat food.

Suggest that he get a cat.

Begin telling an extremely long joke, forget the punch line-but tell him it was a whopper, anyhow.

Cuddle a Harry Potter plushie in front of him regularly.

Decorate his room with an HP theme.

Throw him a Harry Potter birthday party.

Suggest that instead of being a dark wizard, he follow his real life's ambition: Sitting in a dark room all day, playing Dungeons and Dragons

Compare his power to that of the enormous control Spongebob Squarepants has over youths' minds.

Make him a lasagna. Put cat litter in the crust.

Tell him that when Voldemort looks at the smiles on all the children's faces, they're about to jab him with something.

Still miraculously be alive after all this.


End file.
